Pandering is a natural trap for men because we find joy and meaning in serving women. The drive to impress is quite literally imprinted on male DNA. But there’s a fine line between living-to-serve and living-in-fear-of-disapproval. Men must be willing to say to women, I will walk to the ends of the earth if it brings you happiness. I will adopt new behaviors if it eases your burden and feeds our love. But I cannot relinquish my masculinity or my purpose.

Every man needs to understand his own values, and those values must drive his behavior. It’s not for me to say what a man’s values should be, but only that he must possess and protect them if he hopes to succeed in relationships.

Values are the intangibles that matter most to each of us, be they parenting, education, or any other pursuit that makes life worth living. Some measure of shared values is absolutely critical to long-term romantic success.

To find your values, start with a list then prune down the list.  Make multiple passes. Remember that it’s not about finding what you value. Chances are, you value a lot of the items on the list. It’s about finding what you value most. You need to know your top most values so when you have to prioritize or make trade-offs, you have some gauges.